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Friends are always sending me jokes. Every day a new one arrives. Some aren't worth saving, others are. I, personally, can never remember a joke when I need one...so I will try to save a few of the good ones here...
| Blond Jokes | Age Jokes | Other Clever Observations |
| Dog Jokes | Business Jokes | Men / Women Jokes |
The first Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 Th. floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump
off this Building."The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"The Mexican's wife also wept and said, I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
Too Many Blondes
A BLIND MAN ENTERS A WOMAN’S BAR BY MISTAKE. HE FINDS HIS WAY TO A BAR STOOL AND ORDERS A DRINK. AFTER SITTING THERE FOR A WHILE, HE YELLS TO THE BARTENDER. “HEY, YOU WANNA HEAR A BLONDE JOKE?”
THE BAR IMMEDIATELY FALLS ABSOLUTELY QUIET. IN A VERY DEEP, HUSKY VOICE, THE WOMAN NEXT TO HIM SAYS, "BEFORE YOU TELL THAT JOKE, SIR, YOU SHOULD KNOW FIVE THINGS:
1. THE BARTENDER IS A BLONDE WOMAN.
2. THE BOUNCER IS A BLONDE WOMAN.
3. I'M A 6 FEET TALL, 200 POUND BLONDE WOMAN WITH A BLACK BELT IN KARATE.
4. THE WOMAN SITTING NEXT TO ME IS BLONDE AND SHE’S A PROFESSIONAL WEIGHTLIFTER.
5. THE WOMAN TO YOUR RIGHT IS A BLONDE AND SHE’S A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER.
NOW THINK ABOUT IT SERIOUSLY, MISTER. DO YOU STILL WANNA TELL THAT JOKE?”
THE BLIND MAN THINKS FOR A SECOND, SHAKES HIS HEAD, AND DECLARES, “NAH, NOT IF I'M GONNA HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT FIVE TIMES.”
Incredibly Blonde
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a
man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going
to jump.
"The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure
enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news
and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched
the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved.
It took her months to figure out she could use her AM radio at night.
She was staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "concentrate."
She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company. (Good one!!)
She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left,"she turned around & went home.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
Under education on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
She sold her car so she would have gas money.
She looked into a box of Cheerio's and said, "OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!"
She had to leave her job at the pharmacy because she can't fit the prescription bottle in the typewriter.
What's the definition of "eternity?" 4 blondes at a 4-way stop
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front"
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
FIRING SQUAD
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!!" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts,"Ready! Aim!!..." Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the
executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner
shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ...".and the blonde yells,
"FIRE!!!"
Smart Blond
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Wrong Day
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T.G.I.F." He smiled at her, and replied, "S.H.I.T."She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T.G.I.F." again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S.H.I.T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T.G.I.F." another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S.H.I.T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,"T.G.I.F.
means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
An 80 year old couple were having problems
remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to
make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors office,
they explained to him the problems they were having with their memory. After
checking the couple, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but
might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember
things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and
his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had
better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that...you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will
forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down!
I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly Floridian calls 911 on her cell phone to report
that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in... "Disregard," he
says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year
old
yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up
the
stairs, pauses and asks: "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92
year
old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful...
knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon
as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second
man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am
I. Let's
have a beer."
_______________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and
settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to
bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were
playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at
me . I know we've been friends for a long
time .... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate
77. Please be careful!"
He said, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know
that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed
us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I
driving?"
THE SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
play chess?16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go
somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
Viagra
An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years.
She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have just the thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner...."
The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!!
It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table; breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!
"I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes."
"Oh, don't worry about that," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at
that restaurant any more!!"
Then & Now
Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: Keg
Now: EKG.
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.
Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.
Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.
Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
If you can start the day without caffeine, if you can get along without pep pills, if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles. If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, if you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, if you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him/her, if you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, if you can conquer tension without medical help, if you can relax without liquor, if you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics....
Then, my friend, you are ALMOST as good as your dog
Quotes in hindsight
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
1957
"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like
you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So
then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge doled out daily in high schools."--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life.
You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
Other Observations
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day.
But if you teach a man to fish he'll spend the rest of his life sitting in a boat
drinking beer!
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:1) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
2) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.5) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
6) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
7) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
8) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.9) Glibido: All talk and no action.
10) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.11) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole."
Anagrams
An anagram, as you all know, is a word of phrase made by or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever:AND HERE IS THE MOST INTRIGUING PART
: Year Two Thousand - A Year To Shut DownComputer Haiku
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
you bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course
of little worth is your ire
the network is down.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will.
Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
In a small Irish town, Tommy Lenahan goes to confession. "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned.""Who was it?" the priest asks him.
"I can't tell you, Father, as I wouldn't wish to sully her reputation."
"Was it Annie Murphy?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Bernadette O'Connell?"
"No, Father."
"Perhaps it was Colleen McBride."
"No, Father, it wasn't her."
"Then who was it?"
"As I said, Father, I really can't tell you.""Very well then my son, as a penance you can say five Our Fathers and
four Hail Marys."Tommy goes back to his pew where his friend asks, "How did you get on?"
He replies, "Not bad. I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three
good leads."
The Difference Between Men & Women - A Modern Fable
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't
care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try
to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and
this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so
guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and................ "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... it's that I... I need some...(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.Women's Dictionary
"Fine"
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that they feel
they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "Fine" to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your
baseball game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so they
feel this is an even trade.
"Nothing"
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside
out, upside down, backwards, or all three. "Nothing" usually signifies
an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You
will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.
(Loud Sigh)
This is not actually a word, but is still often very much a verbal
statement, one that is very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means
she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is
wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
(Soft Sigh)
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the
few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet
is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
"Oh !"
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get
that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night".
If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN (do not walk) to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your
clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at
least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you
are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you
will get raised eyebrows, "Go ahead", followed by an onslaught of words
you've never heard her say before.
"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is
often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised
eyebrow and "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted
and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
"Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it
is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
"Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Do not faint just say "you're welcome".
"Thanks A Lot!!"
This is very different to "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot!!"
when she is REALLY pissed off at you. It signifies that you have hurt
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful
not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you"Nothing".
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Elementary, my dear...!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has
stolen our tent."
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the
hydrant." -- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about
puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you
in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark
violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of
owning one. -- Andrew A. Rooney.
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend;
inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant
popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails. -- Max Eastman.
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"If you think dog's can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in
your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them." -- Phil Pastoret
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't
got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of
yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he
will make a fool of himself too." -- Samuel Butler
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture
unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the
conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Any time you think you have influence, try ordering around
someone else's dog." --The Cockle Bur
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we
come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're
the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a
weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
One reason a dog can be such a comfort when you're feeling
blue is that he doesn't try to find out why. -- National Enquirer
The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got
out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that
Man is the more laughable of the two animals. -- James Thurber
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain
dogs I have known will go to heaven, but very, very few
persons will." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you
marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance,
everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a
cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy
breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
your face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a
problem." -- Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always
try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't
buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation
as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more
than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful
and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him
to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between
a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed
by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look
of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically
dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck
"We give them the love we can spare, the time we can spare.
In return, dogs have given us their absolute all. It is without
a doubt the best deal man has made." -- Roger Caras
|
Origin of Pets
Adam and Eve said,
"Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every
day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome
here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love
us."
And God said, "No
problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you
forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will
accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased.
And dog was content and
wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to
pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve
have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like
peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.  And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other. |
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun. Ventriloquist: "Hey,good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: Extreme look of shock
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at New
ZealanderDog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play." New Zealander: Look of disbeliefVentriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
New Zealander: Extreme look of shockVentriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at New Zealander
Horse: "Yep"
New Zealander: Total look of amazement
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."
Dog Haiku
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with this long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up In the sunshine,
happier than you ever will be
Today I sniffed Many dog behinds-I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm! Paper boy-come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm! Garbage man-come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as my hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have made a puddle
I Hate my choke chain! Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin on your foot-no greater bliss-well,
Maybe catching rats
Look in my eyes and deny it.
No human could Love you as much I do
The cat is not all Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's there. Because it's there.
I am your best friend, Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
My owners' mood is Romantic-I lie near their feet.
I fart a big one.
The Difference Between Dogs and Cats
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice
warm, dry house, petme, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Men / Women Jokes:
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no
future.After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone
knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO PASS ON TO YOUR DAUGHTER
1. Don't imagine you can change a man-unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon-they should be able to put them
Revelation:
Women do not snore, burp, sweat or fart.
Therefore they must bitch or they will blow up...
QUOTES
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong-
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
-Rita Rudner-
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner-
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman-
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck-
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
9. I think-therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead-
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner-
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Gloria Steinem-
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night
-Marie Corelli-
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith-Summerskill
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee-
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
20. Nobody can make you feel inferior
without your permission.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie
said,"OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the
fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can
forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about
it for awhile and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared
to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say nothing'....know
how to make them truly happy...."The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Just try it...
A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman
behind the counter and shouts "open the safe!"
"But this is not a real bank" the woman replies, "it's a sperm
bank."
"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.
The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.
"Now take one of the bottles and drink it", he says.
"But sir, this are sperm samples!" the woman replies.
"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"
The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another bottle and drink it"
"But sir, I just drank one"
"Drink another one or I will shoot you" The woman has no alternative and
drinks a second bottle.
When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman
is surprised to see the robber is her husband.
"Now you see, honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult now is it!"
This Just In...
London, UK - Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains
small
traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the The Travis Company fed 100 men 12 pints of
beer each and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive,
couldn't think, and refused to apologize when wrong.
A magazine recently ran a
"Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking forpeople to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are the finalists.
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks; (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
